The Ghosts of ILF Explained…..

We met the Ghosts of ILF here in a dream…..Now to add some more information….

The Ghosts of Ilf

and

Dot-nose and E but D

 

The two slightly past it women lay slumped in the positions they had fallen asleep in. Never a comfortable pose at the best of times and many was the morning that they awoke and took a while to ease their bodies into an aching yet sharp-pain free position. They usually blamed the long walk to the pub for their stiff and tired limbs and rarely paused to consider whether the alcohol induced stupor of the night before had anything to do with it.

But there was also another reason for their pain, a reason that they knew nothing of, a reason that was dark and black and completely unknown to them, a reason that would explain many of the inexplicable happenings in their lives. Though if either one was to ever be put under intense hypnotherapy they could tell a different tale of those hours of bleary sleep…. A tale that they knew nothing of, a tale that was dark and black and completely unknown to them, a tale that would explain many of the inexplicable happenings in their lives.

The wind stirred the trees and rustled the bushes, it shook the washing line and heralded whirls and wisps that grew ever stronger the nearer their destination. The whirls and wisps took form, black Tendrils reaching forward, swirling and twirling in a dance unseen. They moved upward and then sucked back inside themselves. And thus began the haunting. Through the dismal streets they moved leaving a cold shiver and a brittle snap in their wake. They were the reason for the sins of the fathers bearing down on generation after generation, never allowing peace or change, good luck or happiness, health or wealth to befall those on whom they bestowed their enforced habitation. They permitted brief respites where their victim falsely believed they could sense change was in the air and a sniff of freedom was coming their way, perhaps the grey they felt had engulfed them all their life had a touch of colour, just at the edges, which may become the brightness they wished would percolate through their lives and give meaning to their existence.

The Ghosts of Ilf were strong, cunning and well aware of the potential of their victims. With some it was easy to snuff out dreams from an early age, to let them believe they had no choice in life, could make no decisions as to their future and enfold them in skin upon skin of lies until they could no longer see anything but the path of Ilf. With others who showed a resourceful and upbeat side they carefully led them to believe they could succeed and then, whilst they were in this false sense of security, forced calamities upon them, one after another, until the Pick Yourself Up, Brush Yourself Down and Start all Over Again motto rang hollow and fetid.

Dot-nose was of the first category-never realising her own potential and becoming bound by layer upon layer of what she had named her Onion Skin. This in itself was an annoyance to the Ghosts. They never liked being identified and certainly didn’t like being named. This was what made the haunting of Dot-nose so frustrating as when The Ghosts of Ilf believed she could rise no more, something would stir and a grain of truth would become encrusted in her head, a brief song would flick around her lips making melody with her beloved piano’s harmony.

Fear was the key with Dot-nose. Fear of others ranked top. And The Ghosts of Ilf knew this. As a youngster she would lie sleeping and The Ghosts of Ilf would silently encircle her home. They would dance outside her window gently scratching at the glass, careful to never wake her. They did their best work on the unconscious mind. Slowly and silently they would enter the room and fill it with the lines and shapes of their hideousness, and when they knew it was time they would curl around her small and perfectly formed ears and whisper unimaginable words of fear, failure and defeat. They would dance on the covers and wrap themselves around her stomach, constricting her natural breathing and causing unknown and not understood anxiety to rise and become part of her waking life. Of course, The Ghosts of Ilf knew her family well and it was easy to enlarge her fear and anxiety through the course of family life. Innocent words became a fierce babble of condemnation that ran through Dot-nose like a fault through the earth which from time to time caused earthquakes and reeked havoc all around. And thus was the effect on Dot-nose.

Some particularly unpleasant Tendrils of The Ghosts of Ilf loved toying with her dream life, playing scenarios quietly onto her ear drums, drawing images on her eyelids and dropping the bitter taste of pain on her tongue. Some mornings the images on Dot-nose’s eyelids made her eyes ache and nothing seemed right. Sometimes she wanted to spit out that it was not fair and she thought she could hear echoes of shrill and scary voices which disturbed her peace of mind. Some mornings, when she was an adult, she gave up trying to work it all out and smoked and did mathematical puzzles.

As the years passed Dot-nose grew accustomed to the sharp piercing pain in her abdomen as she awoke in the morning and put it down to a tight diaphragm after those years of hearing her family sing about her belly…’Can’t keep it in, can’t keep it in, gotta let it out, gotta let it out’. It had become her main aim to hold her stomach in at all times so that the familiar chorus would abate and she could perhaps feel a little good about herself. Little did she know where the pain actually came from….The Ghosts of Ilf and their night time prowlings.

With E but D the hauntings took on a different feel all together. She had very early taken on the cloak of Victim and thus decided nothing that happened to her was her own fault and as a product of this, she did very little to rectify any wrong or correct any way in which she thought. The Ghosts of Ilf did not like this total lack of acknowledgement for any culpability as they much preferred for their hauntees to be filled with self recrimination and guilt. They found another way in. E but D mostly slept the sleep of the totally innocent, as has been already mentioned, nothing was her fault after all. Therefore there was no way The Ghosts of Ilf could dance, suggest or whisper in the dead of night. They had to find another way in.

E but D had always liked a drink, the more and the stronger, the better, and she knew that with every new drink that she imbibed came a fresh and more captivating sparkling of her personality. The Ghosts of Ilf worked around her, moving through her acquaintances and friends whom they had control of. It really didn’t take long for their plans to take effect and for the crushing of E but D’s spirit to commence, bringing with it the pulling apart, piece by piece of her whole being, leaving her with a large crate of always forthcoming fiery gloom attached to her back and spilling over into her life, burning her on the way.

But as with Dot-nose, E but D caused irritation to The Ghosts of Ilf. Whilst E but D never did much, when she had a creative moment she could produce the most beautiful and splendid art work which could take one’s breath away. However, E but D often left her art work in pubs and on buses.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 51

Chapter 51-Neither Hide Nor Hair

Sound Advice (E but D’s sister) was feeling moody and began to stomp about in the upper chambers of her house hoping someone would notice. Already that morning she’d had eleven phone calls and none of them were E but D. She made a hmmmmpfing sound as the phone rang yet again and stood on the stairs for a while.

‘Isn’t anyone going to answer it?’ she shouted at last. ‘You’d think I was the only person here!!’

Sound Advice was, in fact, the only person there as the entire family had left sometime earlier before Sound Advice was even up. Tutting heavily Sound Advice made her way down the stairs and managed to reach the phone before it stopped.

‘Who’s that?’ she said into it curtly.

It was her other sister For Hind Nor Hare who lived some way away. As For Hind Nor Hare listened to her sister’s rantings concerning their once radiant sister E but D, she knew she had made a wise choice on removing herself to an isolated village Bordering Welloutofit, a village of Harmony and Security.

Chapter 52-Introducing For Hind Nor Hare

For Hind Nor Hare knew that the people of her village, Bordering Welloutofit, were blithering idiots. Blithering idiots who couldn’t even pronounce her name properly. She’d just met her neighbour at the pharmacy, where she’d been shopping for interesting lotions. She weighed up the Haven of Harmony and Security against the undeniable fact that there was nothing of any consequence ever likely to happen there.

‘Fer Her Ner Her!’ said her neighbour, ‘I thought it was you.’

‘Who else could it be?’ fumed For Hind Nor Hare inwardly.

‘We have a ‘Staring at Mud to See What You Can See’ competition this afternoon down at the village hall. I was wondering if you and your kind family would consider supporting it?’

For Hind Nor Hare’s neighbours were all under the mistaken impression that she and her family were kind. ‘Such Kind Souls.’ they’d say. For Hind Nor Hare knew she was anything but a Kind Soul, but kept up the façade well, for reasons best left to herself and her cunning. She thought of the ‘Staring into Mud  to See What You Can See’ competition and knew it was time once again to seemingly partake in village life.

‘Oh yes Mrs. Bloat, that would be just the thing for a rainy afternoon-we’d be most interested. Shall I make cakes?’

‘Oh Fer Her Ner Her you are such a Kind Soul, that would be lovely-it starts at 2pm.’

For Hind Nor Hare picked up another lotion, one that she wasn’t going to buy ‘til then. ‘Now this should be good in the cakes!’ she thought chuckling to herself.

For Hind Nor Hare stood in the rain with her family, staring into the mud. Cunning plans rolled through her mind. Cunning plans involving power and a position of authority to be Master of the village Bordering Welloutofit.

‘And what’s more,’ she thought to herself whilst giving her husband the once over, ‘you shall become Squire of All. She choked and hacked slightly into her handkerchief. Her desires to be Master of All made her over excited. Her two children, Ornery by Nature and Difficult to Please had nasty gleams in their eyes. They too were making plans. Plans to lure people into a false sense of security by their apparently pleasing natures, plans to turn the village Bordering Welloutofit into turmoil. Ornery by Nature and Difficult to Please transferred evil thoughts concerning toads in teapots at the Women’s Institute gatherings. Nobody knew they had the unusual ability to read each other’s minds, not even their cunning mother For Hind Nor Hare.

For Hind Nor Hare felt a prickling sensation down her spine as she re-focused on the wet mud. She had started to see something-a pattern, a hill, the words Hermit and Dot-nose and an inexplicable shed shape. She pulled her husband’s hair to get his attention.

‘Look, look,’ she said, ‘do you see that? All of that there in the mud

Chapter 53-The Consequence of the Tidal Wave and The Casual One

I should have seen it coming. I was floating somewhere around the Welsh coast on Purple Raft Mark 11. Yarmouth was a long way behind me now. No more Casual Club, no more slippers. I thought I’d seen everything, and now, this. Two women surfing on a tidal wave from China. They must have been two miles out at sea. I was watching from a safe distance with one hand on my hip and the other holding the telescope. Casual habits die hard. I could tell a story about that. I could tell you something that would make you kind of cry. Kind of laugh in a scary sort of way. Kind of make you rush off somewhere pretending you were busy. Herding sheep. Visiting your aunt. Any excuse to get away. I know. Like I said. Said I’d like some peace once. A home. Some kind of supper to come home to. Maybe more than this raft. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough, maybe….

‘Oy! Stop fucking daydreaming and help us up!’ regaled Burning Jet wetly from two feet away.

‘Too sodding right!’ agreed She Laughs.

‘Bastarding wave!’ bellowed Burning Jet from the safety of the Purple Raft.

‘What kind of colour do you call this?’ questioned She Laughs.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 48-Petrol Station Exodus, Chapter 49 and 50! Bargain!!

Chapter 48-The Exodus at the Petrol Station

Detective OUBT re-positioned her car against the other petrol pump. Her eye patch had pulled tight once more so she had put it in her pocket earlier and covered up her right eye with her right hand just to make sure it was the right petrol pump.

Satisfied she wouldn’t look the fool she felt, Detective OUBT got out and began the necessary procedures required to get a tank full, being careful to double check her double sightedness by clamping her right hand over her right eye every so often.

Detective OUBT looked up to check events, still holding her eye. ‘Bother, bother, bother.’ she said out loud, seeing two beautiful red mg sports cars before her, ‘This isn’t working at all.’ and quickly removed her right hand and placed it in her pocket. In it she felt two triangle crystals, one, if she’d looked, was red with blobs of oil on it and the other strangely grey and spotty.

‘Two crystals.’ she thought, remembering a previous thought to remember there was only one. Confused she headed off to pay someone some money and was most startled to now see four beautiful red mg sports cars before her.

‘So this is what it’s come to,’ she muttered, ‘more of everything that there really is in twos OR fours.’

 Short and Curly, Juxtapose and Pinpoint in the Petrol Station-Chapter 49

Although completely immersed in their food baskets, even Juxtapose and Pinpoint couldn’t fail to notice Detective OUBT in some small corner of their food filled minds as she repeatedly walked into various window panes trying to find the door.

Detective OUBT came face to face with the four identical dwarves clutching food filled baskets as she finally emerged into the petrol station come mini-market and felt that life surely, surely, couldn’t, couldn’t get worse. She found herself sobbing into her purses and wished everything would just stop multiplying for a while at least.

Short and Curly heard someone sobbing and carried on with his chocolate bar inspection.

Handing over her moist money along with a sausage roll to two young men whose name badges both read Matthew Tozer, Detective OUBT heard the raised voices of E but D and Dot-nose and the noise of clunking bottles. She snuffled, blew her nose and thought she’d better hurry up.

Matthew Tozer tried hard to stare into what he hoped was the good eye of Detective OUBT and not at what looked like a slightly purple fading elastic mark across her face. He wondered if the sneering lip was a direct result of the emotional upset she was in the midst of, and he also wondered when, when he would ever earn enough money in a job such as this, to allow him to fulfil his dream of World Globe Trotter Extraordinaire.

He was glad when Detective OUBT had gone. ‘After all,’ he thought, ‘I have enough troubles of my own!’

Short and Curly thought of his wallet and decided to lure Juxtapose and Pinpoint to the till with ideas of bubble gum and scratch cards.

Having finally secured the key into the ignition, Detective OUBT began eating her sausage roll and waited, trying not to think too much about the four beautiful red mg sports cars with almost identical number plates. Her eyes glazed over as she thought again about the past twenty six years or so that were her life and she remembered a moment of happiness she’d experienced when she was ten. A moment of happiness when she wasn’t experiencing the sight problems she was experiencing today, when even number plates that were obviously nearly identical, for they were the one car after all, appeared to be slightly different or at least two of them did.

Detective OUBT’s ears heard a sound not unlike an engine revving up and sent a message into Detective OUBT’s mind to alert her glazed eyes to unglaze and get going immediately. Detective OUBT stuffed the sausage roll firmly into her mouth, gagging slightly on the dry pastry flakes, and followed the now leaving beautiful red mg sports car reg HAIR 1 out of the petrol station, whilst a corner of her mind tried desperately (but failed) to understand why two of the four cars, which must surely be only one, remained parked at the petrol pump.

Chapter 50-The Fool She Felt

Hermione eyed the bizarre looking woman dripping tears onto the sausage roll and wondered if the poor thing knew what a fool she looked. ‘Terrible eye disorder aside,’ she thought, ‘I wonder what made her choose those dreadful clothes and white slingbacks?’ Hermione herself was never one to wear slingbacks, even at her real age. ‘Especially,’ she observed,’ with pop socks and a knee length tartan skirt!’

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 45, 46 and Blow Me Down…..47!

Chapter 45-Inside Vicious Tongue’s Aggression Therapy Centre

‘Aye eeh yah wah!’ whispered Dot-nose’s Mother as she gently tapped the punchbag, moving it not a jot.

‘Hi wah doh eeh!’ muttered E but D’s Mother pushing a different punchbag, in a somewhat genteel manner, slightly to the right.

Vicious Tongue raised her eyes heavenwards, though she could, of course, remember being exactly the same herself. She knew she had a lot of work to do with these women, but she knew it would be worth it in the end, as she knew from her own experience.

After a few days of very intensive Aggression Therapy, Vicious Tongue decided that it was time for the Re-naming of the two Mothers-names more fitting to their new found verbal and physical aggression and power than just Mothers.

Dot-nose’s Mother new name was to be She Laughs With a Sneer and E but D’s Mother’s new name was to be Burning Jet.

‘Yes, far more fitting.’ mused Vicious Tongue.

In North Wales the day following the re-naming of the Mothers had begun at the Aggression Therapy Centre with role play where She Laughs with a Sneer and Burning Jet confront a car mechanic who is trying to con them over repairs needed on their car. Vicious Tongue allowed herself a satisfied smile as she watched the dramatic conclusion which involved the aforementioned car mechanic being pinned down by She Laughs whilst Burning Jet held a spanner menacingly above him, all the time verbally abusing him and telling him she’d see him in court.

‘Tomorrow,’ commanded Vicious Tongue at the Newly Named Mothers, ‘we will scream at the sea from a rocky outcrop. To challenge the sea, with all its power, is the final part of your Aggression Therapy and you will feel a surge rushing through your body as you bite your thumb at the ocean and its mysteries.’

Instead of looking slightly bewildered as the two Former Mothers might have done, both She Laughs with a Sneer and Burning Jet picked up their pints of bitter and toasted Vicious Tongue and their new found energies. Just the final touch of the sea visit and she could send her new recruits out into that hostile world knowing that they could hold their own.

Chapter 46-China

In China the day had started quietly, but soon something would happen that would change people’s lives irrevocably, and not only Chinese people’s lives.

The earthquake was intense and set off a tidal wave, a tidal wave that would be sent coursing around the world towards a rocky outcrop in North Wales, where the two Former Mothers screams at the sea would suddenly become like an ant telling an elephant to watch where it is standing.

 

Chapter 47-One of The Hermit’s Dreams

The Hermit slept deep into the night, his blue tapestry hat perched on the bed post of his feather bed. On the door knob hung the key to the contraption that was to change people’s lives irrevocably. He sighed one of those deeply satisfied sighs people sigh when they know they have the keys to something hanging up on their door that would change people’s lives irrevocably. Three minutes later he started to dream….

The Hermit stood alone at the pulpit of the church holding two guns and a cornish pasty wrapper. On his right he could see two women with a divining rod running across a field, chased by cows. One of the cows had a glove on its right front hoof. At the back of the church stood a young man, barely eighteen, hazel eyed with a name badge. It read…Matthew Blue Top Tozer, a Globe Trotter.

To the left of the church stood a man holding crystals and a map of the world with the word Diet written across it. There was a Ghostly Sigh and the one named Ilf breezed through the double doors and started to speak:

‘Time was,’ it said, ‘Time was…’ and stopped. A chorus began to sing on his left. Everyone wore name badges and were dressed in purple night robes. ‘I’m rejected,’ they sang, ‘full of condemnation.’  The names read: Detective OUBT, Juxtapose, Pinpoint, B in the F of A, Lollita, Lucy…….There were others.

He took from his pocket a map of Australia with the Sydney Opera House resplendent in double before him. ‘This is your Ommmm…’ he chanted.

There was a terrible calamity at the double doors as a beautiful red mg sports car burst through and suddenly the church pews, previously empty, were full of the Pope. ‘Kill them NOW!’ he ordered. The Hermit took the Cornish pasty wrapper and threw it at the beautiful red mg sports car, annihilating the whole caboodle, amid the roars of approval from Everything Good.

‘I’ve killed my mother, my mother, my mother, my mother, my mother, my….’

A fly buzzed close to his ear and he awoke.

‘Mmmm mmm mmm.’ said the Hermit, regaining consciousness!

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 43 and 44 (My favourite number!)

Chapter 43-Vicious Tongue

Vicious Tongue sat down, paused, and allowed herself to think of The Old Days.

‘Time was,’ she thought, ‘time was when I allowed people to walk all over me, too scared to say Boo to a Goose.’

Yes she had come a long way since her Timid Mouse years and now, no-one and nothing would treat her like a doormat again. She looked around the Aggression Therapy Centre with its padded walls and many punchbags hanging suspended from the ceiling. She thought back to the day when The Incident had happened that had changed her life irrevocably. She had marked the day on her calendar ever since and had taken to having that particular day off as a holiday. Catalyst Day she had called it. Vicious Tongue, once known as Timid Mouse, came from Shy and Suspicious Stock and her life until Catalyst Day had been one long, grey, wet and dull winter morning with clouds of fear, anxiety and worry always on the horizon. She had always been aware of the clump of black within her, but coming from Shy and Suspicious Stock, she had never voiced her fears as to its identity even to herself, for she was suspicious even of herself and her own motives.

Catalyst Day had allowed Vicious Tongue to reach in to the black clump, pull it out, study it, beat the living daylights out of it and send it on its way. Thus releasing her into the glorious abandon of saying and doing whatever she wanted to anyone she wanted, whenever she wanted.

Yes, Catalyst Day had changed her life irrevocably.

 

Chapter 44-Vicious Tongue and The Mothers

E but D’s Mother could hardly contain her ‘lack of direction’ frustration and the smell of manure was deeply irritating also. They had been driving for a long time now, her and Dot-nose’s mother, and it had become obvious that they were horribly lost and they were both fast becoming down-hearted. Dot-nose’s Mother turned the map one more time and gnashed her teeth at this terrible turn of events. These two good women had both been brought up to be polite and kind even in the most trying of moments, but both were reaching breaking point. Both of them also realised that their terrible ‘lack of direction in a map sort of way’ had been passed down to their daughters in a ‘life sort of way’. This dawning of knowledge led them both to feel a deep gnawing guilt in the very pit of their stomachs and spurred them on to find their poor, sad offspring. The thought of finding their children was fast becoming a disappearing dot on life’s horizon as they took wrong turn after wrong turn, leading them to their own destiny.

‘Which might not be a bad thing!’ mused E but D’s and Dot-nose’s Mothers in a simultaneous burst of thought. ‘After all,’ they chorused, ‘Goodness knows we’ve got problems enough of our own!’

The Mothers decided enough was enough and that it was high time that they stopped for a cup of weak tea, possibly a bun and a timely visit to the Throne Room. They drove on in search of a Tea Shop or perhaps even a Little Tea Shoppe, but to no avail. There seemed to be few buildings and only sheep and hills in their view. Occasionally they saw someone cloaked in black with a strange tapestry  hat and clog like shoes, but this or that someone seemed to just meld into the hillside as quickly as he had appeared.

Presently they saw a sign:

Are You a Doormat?

They looked at each other puzzled. A mile or so further on they saw another sign:

Do you have Heated Arguments with People……in your Head?

Eyebrows raised, they carried on to the next sign:

Fed up with being Good and Kind even in the Most Trying of Moments? 

Both women shivered as Fate, Destiny, call it what you will, reached out, tickled their spines and then beckoned them on to…on to….

‘Gosh,’ said Dot-nose’s Mother, ‘funny old bunch of signs, I wonder…’

She stopped mid sentence as yet another sign appeared in front of them:

Sick of Worrying About Others?

Have You Got Problems Enough of Your Own?

 Mesmerized and thankfully on automatic pilot, the women drove on until they saw the final sign which lured them irrevocably onwards:

High Time for a Cup of Tea?

A Bun?

A Throne…?

Then Visit Vicious Tongue’s Aggression Therapy Centre, Next Building on the Right.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

 

Chapter 40-The Mothers, which is then followed by Chapters 41 and 42!

A quick diversion from the story and a flip back to Dot-nose’s Mother and E but D’s Mother. They did not know how to help but often watched from a distance!!

………..

Chapter 40-The Mothers

Creeping carefully towards the house, Dot-nose and E but D’s mothers wondered whether their daughters were really at Dot-nose’s house, lying confused somewhere with the lights turned off. As they huddled together behind the hedge they each remembered a time before all the Terrible Things had happened, a time when Dot-nose and E but D had been radiant and well. Peeping over the privet The Mothers looked into the small garden, pitch black and silent in the night-time gloom. Suddenly, from the far corner, someone burped and, as The Mothers turned towards the sound, they saw what looked like two frantic fireflies, blinking and glowing on and off in the dark. E but D, pausing slightly in her smoking, took another sip of extra strong lager and, as The Mothers drifted quietly away, all that could be heard was Dot-nose’s whimpering as she rocked to and fro on the cold garden step.

Chapter 41-Back In the Cars and Leaving the Garage 

E but D felt a moving motion, but somehow knew it was not herself moving fast but the beautiful red mg sports car. She also knew, to her dismay, that she was once again squashed in the back seat whilst Dot-nose was in the front seat. Dot-nose drank the super strength cider urgently and, on finishing her draught, her slightly fuzzed eyes happened upon a mosque with another one of those posters with her face on it and she promptly passed out with a rush of images of Ghostly Ilf, steeples and elders with badges saying ‘Everything Good’ on them.

E but D noticed nothing as she set her jaw to trying to get comfortable and remove the top of her super strength cider, whilst clamping a cigarette between her teeth, all at the same time.

Hermione noticed the poster once more, as did Lucy and Lollita who had regained their pursuance of the beautiful red mg sports car.

‘Ilf,’ said Lollita, ‘what does that mean?’ as her Germanic mind set off onto its code deciphering program. Lucy turned up the volume of the Dolphin Therapy tape and thought wistfully of the booking she had that night. Thursday night was the best night as Lollita was mostly otherwise occupied on that particular evening of the week, leaving Lucy free to sing and sing, dressed in her sparkly gold lame evening wear and glitzy earrings.

She, Lucy, thought of the disappointment of her fans and of the groupies that she loved. She knew she couldn’t even phone to cancel….unless….unless…’Yes!’ she had proclaimed out loud. She had remembered the ‘Block Out What You’re Really Thinking to Others’ class and began to hatch a plan. Lollita’s mind was still mesmerically clicking through possible words pertaining to the initials Ilf and had consequently not heard Lucy’s loud proclamation of the word Yes and subsequently had no reason to question her eureka like shout.

Chapter 42-I Know That Place

Hermione thought of the scrap of paper that the plump, dark haired police woman had given her with the address on. Of course she had recognised it immediately as somewhere deeply familiar to her. And now, thinking whilst driving, she finally understood why these poor bewildered women in blue had disguised themselves as police women to get her, Hermione, to take them there. Not that she minded as she thought of her life of microwave meals for one and jacket potatoes. They were at least company if only of an amoebic sort. She had plenty of lip salve with her, ‘Always One in Every Pocket’ was her motto, and the salon could function without her for a few days.

Hermione thought of her son The Hermit and his wonderful experiments and lifelong ambition. He had done well for himself, though Hermione wished he would get out a little more and perhaps stop wearing the blue tapestry hat.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 38-Sound Advice and Her Suitcase and Chapter 39-Re-birthing….Really?

Chapter 38-Sound Advice and Her Suitcase

Sound Advice put the phone down and marched up the stairs two at a time. She entered the bedroom and knelt by the side of the bed. A vague memory passed through her mind of earlier days when she’d been forced to kneel by the side of the bed at bed time and then she found herself engulfed by guilt. Why, she didn’t know, but she thought it must be some form of sin of omission, though quite what that meant she didn’t know. She hurriedly shrugged off the feeling and bent so she could retrieve her ready packed ‘I’m Off in the Blink of an Eye’ suitcase which had been in its ‘I’m Ready When You Are’ position for a number of years now. Sound Advice knew that you could never tell when a ready packed suitcase might come in handy and congratulated herself on her foresight.

‘Probably something else I picked up from my grandmother on my mother’s side!’ mused Sound Advice wryly.

She thought once more of what she had seen in the tea leaves and set off in her car with a definite spring in her step.

‘Ah well,’ she thought to herself in a strange possible future echo, ‘Things could be worse!’

Chapter 39-Sound Advice and the Re-birthing Process

As Sound Advice passed through the sleepy hamlet of  Gobblegook, she noticed a large poster outside the small Methodist church and she found herself exclaiming, ‘Bloody Hell!’

For there on the poster was a large image of her once beloved sister’s pathetic and slightly weird so called friend and drinking partner, Dot-nose! It would have been too much to ask of Sound Advice to merely wonder and drive on through, and so with a great deal of purpose about herself, she slammed on the brakes and parked not so carefully in the layby outside the church.

For a full three and a half minutes she stared at the poster before deciding that her best course of action would be to go and see the minister and enquire as to its meaning.

She walked up to the minister’s cottage and rapped definitely on the door. The minister of St. Stephens looked up from his study desk, put down the Re-birthing, Second Time Lucky cd and got up. He ambled slowly to the door, sighed and opened it.

‘Hello’ he said

‘Hello.’ said Sound Advice. There was an awkward moment’s pause and then Sound Advice continued, ‘I have just seen your poster on the church notice board and was wondering if you could explain it to me?’

The minister-The Reverend Codrowman-smiled a pastoral sort of smile and stepped aside, indicating to Sound Advice to enter.

As Sound Advice entered she noticed the Rev Codrowman’s tie which had the initials EG in small letters all over it, and a question formed in her mind. She knew she would have to save that for later and filed it under ‘Must Find Out’ in her brain.

On hearing what the Rev Codrowman had to say about said poster, Sound Advice positively slumped in her seat. What of her once beloved sister now? She knew she had to leave soon, but as she was a good sort she also knew she had to go through with the Re-birthing Process as she had promised. Actually it seemed a good thing to do as she thought it might explain the kneeling by the bed and being engulfed by guilt feeling she’d had earlier that day.

‘But first,’ she thought, ‘I must ask about the tie.’

Satisfied though faintly bemused by the minister’s explanation which included references to some grand musical, Sound Advice motioned that she was ready to commence the Re-birthing Process.

The Rev Codrowman started the cd which began with  gentle watery washings and womb and heartbeat sounds.

Sound Advice felt floaty light and cosily cocooned. A deep feeling of peace and no need to think things through sensibly surrounded, indeed pervaded, her very being. She felt a part of something but very much a separate entity with no need to be responsible at all. All her needs seemed to be provided for and she wanted for nothing, though perhaps she could do with a little more space. But she then decided that lack of elbow room was a small price to pay for heady feelings such as she’d never felt before.

The Rev Codrowman smiled benevolently as he watched the ecstasy spread over Sound Advice’s face. The Rev Codrowman knew what was coming next and stepped back three paces and put on his earphones.

Sound Advice suddenly knew how Alice felt when, in Wonderland, she grew too big to fit in the house. Her breathing was now coming in rasping bursts as an overwhelming clamping motion hit her body in wave after wave. Sound Advice was feeling out of control and could sense a primal scream rising within her. The Primal Scream that she had placed in the ‘Don’t Go There’ area of her mind all those years ago, knowing that that was the most sensible place to put that sort of guttural noise to stop it bursting out in moments of frustration and pique. But there it was, rising, rising.

The Rev Codrowman recognised the signs and turned up the volume of his relaxation music and mused, ‘In the future she’ll see that I’ve been very kind to her, she’ll thank me for this.’

Sometime later Sound Advice stared an unseeing stare at the study wall. The Rev Codrowman was also staring but not at the wall. Never, never had he seen a reaction like that before. There was no warning on the cd cover about possible unforeseen reactions and now he didn’t know what to do. He looked around at the shattered glass lying everywhere and groaned inwardly at the task ahead of him.

 From somewhere in her numb mind Sound Advice thought she should speak, but when she tried nothing but a tiny squeak appeared, so instead of persevering, she gave up.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 37

Chapter 37-Short and Curly, Juxtapose and Pinpoint in the Petrol Shop

Having picked up the dwarves, Juxtapose and Pinpoint, Short and Curly began the journey not to Haven of Eating and Entertainment but to the other place that he had not told Juxtapose and Pinpoint about. He had always been a bit of a coward and would rather the Dwarves just worked out that this journey was not the usual one and he would leave the rest to fate! “After all,” he thought, “They might sleep through the whole journey and not notice if the first thing they see on arrival is food !” Sometime later  Short and Curly heard the familiar cry of “We need something to keep us going….we need to stop and BUY something….we’re HUNGRY!”

Thankfully Short and Curly saw a garage up ahead and he pulled in noticing, with relief, that there was a shop attached. The three of them got out of the beautiful red mg sports car in somewhat of a scramble! The dwarves were unleashed on the shop!

Short and Curly raised his arms in an ‘I Don’t Know What To Do Can You Help Me’ gesture to the assistant as the Dwarves filled the basket with all things edible. They moved fast at times like this and Short and Curly shuddered as he considered his wallet and the beautiful red mg sports car which was a bit too much of a luxury.

‘Ah well,’ he thought, ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!’ and he selected his own basket and began the process of filling it with all the goodies he loved so.

The three of them, Juxtapose, Pinpoint and Short and Curly became engrossed in their own worlds and didn’t notice the stumbling police women enter the shop. E but D was limping, mainly because her legs had been in such a position that what blood there was running through her veins had been cut off and this had resulted in dead legs, but E but D would not let that get the better of her in the quest for alcohol. So single minded were these two miserable women that they saw nothing and no one in their hunt for alcohol.

Chapter 38-Selfishness in the Extreme within the Beautiful Red Mg Sports Car

On their journey, a short while before they reached the garage, Dot-nose pulled down the sun visor in Hermione’s beautiful red mg sports car and angled the mirror into a position where she could see her so called friend scrunched up on the back seats. She felt something akin to pleasure. E but D’s legs were long, something that Dot-nose’s weren’t, and Dot-nose was glad to see that there was no room for them in the back. She sniggered and lit a cigarette.

E but D heard Dot-nose’s snortings but was more consumed with her own needs, one of which was alcohol. Although she had searched her two bags thoroughly, not one of them contained anything resembling drink.

‘Which is odd.’ thought E but D, ‘Because there was a can of super strength lager in one of them last night!’ Her eyes pierced the back of Dot-nose’s head and felt something rather like hate as she lit a cigarette.

Hermione coughed badly and pressed the contraption for opening the roof of her beautiful red mg sports car, even though it was drizzling with rain. Young on the outside, bar the tell tale right hand hidden in a glove, Hermione’s insides were as old as she was and half a lifetime of very strong brands of cigarettes had done her lungs no favours.

E but D’s and Dot-nose’s hair shot up into the air as the roof suctioned off and they both gasped like fish out of water at the high levels of oxygen they were forced to breathe. E but D felt dizzy with fright as the big, bright, rainy outside world met her own small grey one and she dribbled and gurgled for help. Dot-nose’s mind became disturbingly sharp for a fleeting second.

‘Shut the roof bloody up!’ she squalled.

Hermione obliged and resigned herself to secondary smoking. She knew that she would have to stop for petrol soon so she had some fresh air to look forward to.

Spotting a petrol station not far up the road Hermione indicated, having already checked her mirror, and then manoeuvred onto the forecourt. Through her mind buzzed the words Mirror Signal Manoeuvre, which had been drummed into her when she first began driving lessons all those years ago.

Lucy and Lollita looked at each other and knew as one that they would not go into the petrol station, for though they were sure that the two police women would not recognise them, they couldn’t be certain that Hermione wouldn’t spot them. They still didn’t know Hermione’s role in all this, but they were intrigued now and didn’t want to spoil things. Lollita was still motivated solely by the glitzy earring and dvd episode and was determined to see this through to the end. Lucy was swept along by a feeling of deep gratitude that her secret had not been found out. They pulled into a layby a little further up the road.

As Hermione pulled into the petrol station she couldn’t help noticing another beautiful red mg sports car very similar to her own, the only difference being the registration which was HAIR 1. Her own car’s registration was HER 1.

‘How strange.’ she thought, but then caught a glimpse of herself as a reflection in the petrol shop’s window and became transfixed. ‘Hmmm, not bad,’ she thought, ‘Not bad at all!’

She was rudely interrupted from her reverie by a strange fumbling and banging noise. She turned and saw one of the police women, the plump one with the odd mark on her nose, pulling the taller, slightly unkempt police women out of her beautiful red mg sports car. The two police women then turned and stumbled towards the petrol station shop.

‘Obviously,’ thought Hermione with a sigh, as she had very quickly become accustomed to the habits of these foolish women, ‘They’re looking for alcohol!

There was no one in the other beautiful red mg sports car and Hermione presumed its inhabitants must also be in the shop.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 36-Mystic Ed!

 Sometime before Detctive OUBT found herself in the petrol station,  she had met up with Mystic Ed…….

Chapter 36-Mystic Ed Meets Detective OUBT 

Mystic Ed considered his crystals. As a child he had always been orderly with his pens and stationery and was now pleased to discover the entire Mysteries of the Universe made understandable….through small pieces of glass uniformly displayed on his teak coffee table top.

He knew now the Order of Things. A place for everything and everything in its place. It had taken him a while. His eyes lurched to the ceiling as he remembered his futile two weeks in Florida undergoing intense Dolphin Therapy. ‘How could I have been so naive?’ he thought and managed a chuckle at his own foolishness.

At that moment the pink crystals turned to blue and Mystic Ed knew at once that his verucca would be playing up again on Wednesday. Suddenly the yellow crystal turned to green. ‘A quiet uninterrupted day!’ mused Mystic Ed, marvelling at the accuracy of the glass triangles.

There was a ringing sound. Mystic Ed chanted ‘Ermmmm.’

There was a ringing sound. Mystic Ed chanted ‘Ermmmm.’

There was a knock. Mystic Ed looked worried. There was another knock and a voice…’Mystic Ed,’ it said, ‘Are you in?’

Mystic Ed panicked as the solved Mysteries of the Universe became Unsolved before his eyes. He felt betrayal and bitterness towards the green crystal and with sleight of hand removed it and put it in his pocket. Standing up in a controlled manner he replied, ‘I am here, I was expecting you.’

Detective OUBT entered Mystic Ed’s Mysterious Domain somewhat nervously. She had not long discharged herself from the hospital and was still clutching two tubes of ointment for Unknown Tropical Diseases that the doctor had insisted on thrusting at her as she left. She felt cross at being denied her first Primal Scream and cross about her cross eye. Even worse, she had been forced to wear a hideous pink eye patch and the elastic was very tight.

Mystic Ed eyed Detective OUBT and for a moment was lost in thoughts of elastic. Detective OUBT’s face was pulled tight on one side which made her look as if she was sneering. Mystic Ed tried not to sneer back and said, ‘I usually only see people by appointment, I’ve got a new computer you see. I used to have a diary and then, of course, I could just have slotted you in, in pencil, if necessary. I’m not quite sure how you do that on the computer. I’ve got the manuals but there are so many of them. I’m Mystic Ed, how do you do?’

Mystic Ed extended a hand, wishing, wishing he hadn’t said all that. He wanted people to think he was in control of situations. In control of the Entire Mysteries of the Universe.

‘There was an advert in Woofing Hospital. An advertisement about you.’ said Detective OUBT. ‘You’ve got to help me, help me please.’ continued Detective OUBT shrieking slightly. ‘I’m at my Wit’s End!

Mystic Ed’s eyes fell upon Detective OUBT’s pruny hand which he mistook for some form of terrible tropical disease.

‘Atishoo!’ he pretended and quickly pulled out two white handkerchiefs from his pocket.

Detective OUBT watched as the green triangle crystal flew across the room. She retrieved it and kindly gave it back to Mystic Ed.

‘Thank you so much.’ said Mystic Ed. ‘However could it have got there? Please sit down.’

Detective OUBT closed the door of Mystic Ed’s Appartments and sneezed. In her hand she held the green triangle crystal, now strangely purple, given to her-No!-thrust at her by Mystic Ed upon her departure. She popped it into the pocket of her parka coat and felt the folded piece of paper that Mystic Ed had also given her. A piece of paper for a job application for Drive Hard Test Centre. Briefly she wondered why, before pulling up her hood and heading for her car, elastic pulling at her face. It was a mild day.

That’s All!

See Ya xx

Chapter 35-Someone Else is Following Too??

Chapter 35-Detective OUBT Outside Lucy and Lollita’s House just before they Left!

It was evening when Detective OUBT (Detective Obliging Underneath But Troubled) had pulled up outside the home of Lucy and Lollita, unseen by Hermione, Dot-nose and E but D, who were forming an unorderly queue at the front door ready to enter and stay for the night. Through her one good eye Detective OUBT had noticed E but D had about her two handbags. ‘I wonder why?’ thought Detective OUBT. Detective OUBT noticed things like that even though half her face was held captive to the most horrible bondage.

Quite suddenly, Detective OUBT could bear the pain no more and clawed and ripped at the tight elastic and the awful bandage around her right eye, thus freeing her unnatural ability to see double of everything.

‘Nobody,’ thought Detective OUBT as she sat outside the homes of Lucy and Lollita, ‘could be more unhappy and miserable than I am at this moment.’

Huddled in her two sleeping bags for extra warmth Detective OUBT did indeed look a sorry sight. Although the dreadful line around her face, where the tight elastic had been, was losing some of its deep purple colour, she was still suffering with a sneering lip sensation which no amount of massaging could remove.

Her mind slowly circled the bizarre events of the last twenty six or so years that were her life and she pondered the route which had led her to this spot, whilst the cold which was now forming somewhere deep within her body caused her to sneeze as she dropped off to sleep.

Sometime the following morning, after the horrendous ‘trying to find somewhere inconspicuous to go to the toilet in the suburbs with only one, or in Detective OUBT’s case, two trees in it’, Detective OUBT crouched low, peered over her steering wheels and observed events. Dot-nose and E but D, Dot-nose and E but D, battled for the front seat of Hermione’s beautiful red mg sports car. The two Hermiones were already seated in their driving positions Detective OUBT observed. Undercover work was never one of Detective OUBT’s burning ambitions and she had some trouble scrabbling out of her two sleeping bags and getting into a Follow Those Cars mode.

‘Which is just as well!’ uttered Detective OUBT as Lucy and Lollita rushed by not two feet away and hastened to their own Volkswagen beetle with a Surprise under the Bonnet.

Mastering the Follow Those Cars mode at last Detective OUBT swung after the four cars, two of which were travelling side by side in front of her.

‘Blast, blast, blast!’ she said out loud, ‘I’m nearly out of petrol.

A little while later and as luck would have it, the beautiful red mg sports cars indicated a left turn into a petrol station come mini market not too far into the travelling proceedings. Detective OUBT noticed the Volkswagen beetle with the Surprise under the Bonnet not going into the petrol station come mini market, but didn’t notice that the pump she was pulling up against was a false eye image, not until she got out of the car.  Covering her embarrassment by pretending to look for something she couldn’t possibly have lost on the floor, Detective OUBT was surprised to find something she apparently had lost…..two identical triangle crystals, startlingly red with a blob of oil on top.

‘Two!’ she thought and then remembered that it was probably one.

That’s All!

See Ya xx